Posted by
Old Bill on Friday, August 29, 2008 5:19:59 PM
OLD BILL IS PROUD TO PRESENT THIS EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE FAMOUS EXPERT ON CATHOLIC CHURCH DOCTRINE AND DOGMA, HER DIVINE EXCELLENCE, THE SWAMI-GURU MAMARAJ SANFRAN NAN-JI; MAMARAJ SANFRAN NAN-JI IS ALSO THE HIGH EXALTED ASCENDED MASTER OF THE CHURCH OF NEW-AGE SPIRITUALITY OF BEVERLY HILLS/MARIN COUNTY.
Old Bill: Hello, Miss--eh, Ms.--eh, just how do you prefer to be addressed, Your Swaminess?
Guru Nan-Ji: Just call me 'Your Divine High Excellence'; we can be informal here...
Old Bill: OK...So, Your Divine High Excellence, there's been a lot of talk, a lot of controversy lately, over the actual teaching of the Roman Catholic Church on the issue of abortion, and when life begins, and when the 'ensoulment', to use a Catholic theologian's phrase, of a living human baby--er, fetus--uh, tissue mass?--occurs; so just when, in the teaching of the Roman Catholic Church, do these things, uh, events, happen?
Guru Nan-Ji: An Unviable Tissue Mass becomes a human being when the state government, acting through an agent of the local county government, issues it a birth certificate identifying its place of residence for purpose of assignment of government benefits and tax collection.
Old Bill: Say what? Assigns a birth certificate? The state government?
Guru Nan-Ji: Yes, I know, it sounds ridiculous--the very idea that the ensoulment of a living body should be determined by the issuance of a birth certificate by a state government; obviously, this ought to be done by the central, that is the FEDERAL Government, in Washington D.C.--EVERYTHING important ought to be done by the Federal Government in Washington D.C.; but until we can do something about the damned U.S. Constitution, and reduce the states to mere administrative districts of the Federal Government, like they ought to be, we're still forced to do business through these archaic, decentralized institutions...
Old Bill: So, uh, you're actually saying that life only begins when the government gives someone a birth certificate...
Guru Nan-Ji: Will you please pay attention and stop putting words in my mouth? Of course not! I said 'ensoulment' occurs when the government issues a birth certificate! Life begins when the citizen or subject starts actually paying taxes! Catholic Church teaching is very clear on this, it's called, uh---the Sacrament of Paying the Taxes; it's like, uh that other thing, you know--uh the eucharist, or something--it's very important! That's why the Catholic church has always taught the importance of the sacred duty, to uh, you know, uh 'Render Unto Caesar'. Because, uh, paying taxes makes us all better people, and that's why we should all pay as much taxes as possible, the more the better....in fact, there's a very important Catholic Church doctrine about this, the doctrine of, uh...uh..oh yeah, 'DEATH AND TAXES' that's it--the doctrine of 'Death and Taxes'. That's the doctrine that says, uh, that says life ends with death, so, uh, it begins with taxes. That's why the Catholic Church teaches, you know, that only two things are inevitable in life--Death and Taxes? And Taxes are the good part, you see...
Old Bill: Uh, your high divine excellence...
Guru Nan-Ji: That's 'Divine High Excellence'! Don't be impertinent!
Old Bill: Your Divine High Excellence...I'm certainly trying not to be impertinent....But, uh, are you really sure about the Catholic Church Doctrine you just said---about life beginning when we pay taxes, not at conception--I'm not Catholic, myself, but I seem to recall reading somewhere...
Guru Nan-Ji: What do I care what you've read!? What difference does it make what anybody writes? This is a free country, I've got freedom of speech, I can say Catholic Church Teaching is anything I want to say it is!
Old Bill: But, uh, Your Divine High Excellence---aren't there a lot of people, people in actual authoritatative positions in the Catholic Church, who actually have official Church documents and statements to back them up, who say, in fact, something utterly different from what you've just said, and, uh...
Guru Nan-Ji: Look, I'm going to make this so clear even a simpleton conservative like you can get it: it doesn't matter what anybody else says, or what anybody else writes, not if they're a bishop, or an arch-bishop, or the Pope himself: what I say is just as good as what any of them say, everybody is entitled to their own narrative, their own interpretation, their own so-called 'facts' as you simple-minded neanderthal idiots put it--Jesus, we're all post-modernists now, haven't you ever been to college?! ?! Haven't you ever read Michel Foucault?! Why should I have to pay any attention to somebody else's 'facts' when I can make up my own and they're just as good as yours or anybody elses?! Don't you remember reading Marx's statement that 'the higher truth is whatever moves the revolution forward?!' Or was that Lenin who said that? Oh never mind--it doesn't matter who said what! The only thing that matters is what I want to believe, I'm just as important as you or anybody else!! In fact, I'm more important--I AM WOMAN--HEAR ME ROAR! Now do you finally get it?! How dare you try to stop me from saying Catholic Church Doctrine is whatever I want it to be?!
Old Bill: Believe me, Your Majesty, I wouldn't dream of trying....